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“I want the love...the light…the beauty on the inside…the one that you can’t see …the truth that I believe…to be the definition of me.” from Mandisa's "freedom" CD.
I was the third of four children, growing up in a home without a father. Our family moved quite a bit, which left me unable to develop friendships throughout my childhood. When I was 8 years old, my mother began a relationship with my ‘step-dad,’ which introduced drugs into our home. By the time we finally settled in SC, I was 14 years old, was already addicted to drugs, and became a victim of sexual abuse by a family member for 6 years. My home life went from being already unstable to chaotic, with having a brother who was starting to serve time in prison for a Federal Crime.
I began having sexual relationships in the 8th grade with both males and females, in addition to my continuous drug use. Within a couple of years, I became pregnant by a boyfriend, but ended the pregnancy without his knowledge. This also ended our relationship and drove me into pursuing only same-sex relationships. This, in addition to drug and alcohol abuse, continued to help me cope with the sexual abuse and the abortion. The more I pursued those things, the more I could push away the pain and memories, also beginning a wall that would prevent me from getting hurt anymore.
When I was 21 years old, I tried to commit suicide and was placed in a mental hospital for a period of time. At that time, I stopped the drug abuse, but continued the alcohol abuse. In addition, I had several same-sex relationships over the next several years. At 28, I graduated from college.
Around this same time, I had just become so desperate and felt I was at the end of my rope with the way my life was going. On my way home from school one afternoon, I was at a red light and looked up to see a Truth Ministry billboard that read, “Change is possible. Discover how.” It was an advertisement for a conference, but the hope for change is what jumped out at me because I was struggling at this point with life– it felt like I was missing something. So I contacted Truth after several weeks of ‘investigating’ the website and reading testimonies.
Initially, as I’m sure most people who come to this ministry feel, I was quite nervous and scared, not knowing what to expect. I said many “I don’t knows” to many questions because I felt intimidated and mistrusting. But over the next year and a half, Miranda and Kim, the women’s leaders, proved to be trustworthy, caring, and loving. I ‘quit’ or threatened to give up many times over this journey, but I’m thankful I did not. They walked with me every step of the way, but always pointed me to Jesus as my Source and my Helper. And even during this journey, He revealed Himself to me in ways that only He knew I would listen…through some interesting ways.
Sometimes in my journey I would get frustrated because I couldn’t “see” or “feel” the changes as quickly or as evident as I would have liked. But I kept on pursuing God and was determined to find healing from my past abuses, with the first – and most difficult - obstacle being to forgive myself…then forgiving others. Though I’m still tempted and tried, sometimes on a daily basis, I am not controlled by those things that once dictated my life. I have been free from alcohol for several years, and I am learning to develop healthy same-sex relationships with women God has placed in my life through a church I have been actively attending. I have learned to refocus unhealthy thoughts, I have accountability, and I am continuing to seek and serve the Lord. And those temptations are not nearly as powerful as they once were. I have gained more and more victory in those areas.
Recently I purchased Mandisa’s freedom CD and the song that is referenced in my title really jumped out at me. See, if you look at me you might not think that much has changed outwardly. But internally, I have no doubt that my life has changed. The first line of the song, “everybody’s got an opinion of what they want me to be,” is very true. People always think that a person should just automatically change every aspect of their outward appearance to “match” the internal change. I have learned, though, everything is a process and can happen in time. “I want to be about something different, something more than the mirror can see” is another line from the song that has really spoken to me. Even though my external change hasn’t quite ‘caught up’ with my internal change, this is something that I am pursuing…in the definition of me. |
